Tonight I went out, I let go of myself and I had fun. Good fun, the Ukrainian kind of fun. I'm beginning to think of it as the AIESECers' kind of fun. It was good. It was great, actually. To have gotten permission to go out, to let go of all my inhibitions, to shout above the noise to be heard, to just have fun, have real good fun. It was awesome. All the more awesome and so, so treasured, because I know I'm not going to do this again anytime soon. I don't know when I'll ever be doing this again.
To be young is to have fun. To dare to try things. To be out there living the life. I must not forget this, that's why I'm writing this down. I foresee that I'll soon get so caught up that I forget what really makes me happy. (Because I'm going to delude myself that keeping a strict routine is what makes me satisfied with life.) I know I have a lot of responsibilities at home. I'm not complaining at all. I am not growing up before my time; it's about time I'm grown up. But I'm just saying, sometimes it still feels really good to hang out, play stupid games, spend without thinking twice, drink without worrying. I realise that I'm sounding irresponsible. But maybe I just forced too much upon myself at once. When I'm home, I'm constantly worried about the things that I have to do, what more I can do to relieve the load on the others in the family. When I'm out, I still think of home, and that I should be home, because I have so much to do.
The other night I was out with JY, JH and Mel. Just dinner, because I was rushing off to fetch Lyn from her class. It was nice to meet friends, to talk about things that are about them, and about me, but not about responsibilities and family and duty. But those things were all at the back of my mind. Always at the back of my mind. Still, it was nice to spend time with people my age. So nice.
Today I went out with the AIESECers. First met Jason to buy farewell present for Duy. Then we finished with that so early, and went to scout the dinner place. Met the rest and led them there. The other Jason arrived soon after, and we had a satisfying dinner.
I initially didn't want to join them for the after-dinner activity. But as discussion about that went on and I listened, I realised I really wanted to go. Dinner was not enough. I didn't want to go home and face my computer, wondering about the next step in my life. Then Julian said he was coming to join us, then just somehow I decided that there was no reason for me to go home so early after all. I called Mom and she was okay with me staying out till it was time for me to go to the airport. I was elated. I went along. For once, I went along! I didn't have to make up an excuse and go home.
We went to Holland V, settled in a pub and I felt, today I'm gonna drink. I never drink. Because of that allergy. I'm afraid something bad will happen. But today, I drank, and it was so nice to just be part of something. To do it like everyone else. Not saying that I'm not part of everyone else when I'm not drinking; I'm always high and in the game and screaming and laughing and teasing and being teased. I'm never left out and quiet, or ridiculed. But today was better, because while playing those drinking games, I didn't have to feel awkward when I lost because no one else had to drink on my behalf. It was like the Wildwood days during Work and Travel, before I was aware of my alcohol allergy, when I just drank with only the fear of getting drunk, but not of anything else (such as dying).
We played a really silly game today, but I was so into it. I'm always into whatever is going on, as long as it's not too nonsensical or ridiculous or against my principles. When 10.30pm came around I didn't want to leave, but I was glad for having an excuse to leave. I didn't wanna be too irresponsible after all. Now I'm on my way to the airport. I won't be late! It's a first. Lately I'm always late. I'm tipsy actually, because I was so cautious with my beer at first that I ended up downing half a mug in my last 5 minutes. I never drank so quickly, ever. But that's because usually I am cautious. I either don't drink, or take small sips. Today I just gulped it all. No reservations. It felt so good, though I'm really kinda tipsy now and I feel like sleeping.
But this is like... Just a dream? A tiny deviation from real life? An excuse? I know that. And now it's back to the burdens and the troubles and the fretting and the planning and the justifications (to the parents and the self) and the assumption of the role and the life of a daughter/sister/cousin to be depended on.
I'm still so glad for the diversion, though. It's so good to just forget, for a while. To be young again. I've arrived at the airport. Pikaboss just called to check on me. How nice it is to have someone check on me without having the obligation to, but just being nice. It's been a while. I like. I'm such a baby. Okay, time to hit publish and get my full attention back to real life!
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